Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
