I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
