Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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