Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
