we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
