I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
