I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
