3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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