dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
