You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
time to smoke my breakfast
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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