i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
