when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Randomize
