High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
