did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
