I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
