I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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