yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
