SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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