It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
