but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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