you have to choose: penises or morals?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
