my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize