He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
