i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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