You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
