just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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