i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
