I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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