I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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