Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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