We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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