This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
