last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize