that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
