I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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