the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
