we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
