I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
