I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
