I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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