Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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