dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
