My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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