I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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