I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
