A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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