im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
