Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
