Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
