Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
