I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
