Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
