3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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