I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it's like iHOP with fire
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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