If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
