but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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