my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
