Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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